Love Notes with Baywatch

Hello to the German Boy,

The past couple of days you have popped into my mind, and it has been a long time since I thought of you. I now have some time to write and to separate myself from the vortex of society. It all sucks me in so easily. I love luxury in my life, I love to go out and eat sushi or thai or mexican all in the same city. I love to have someone else steam my soy for me adding it to a fresh shot of espresso. I love shopping and buying clothes, and using a clean shower, and feeling carpet between my toes.

But..... this is not where I belong. This is not where I am complete with myself or in my truth. This is where I allow myself to be in order to believe that this is the reality I wish... when it is not. This is only a pretend world, yet, sometimes.... I think that it is real. Then, at these moments, I feel so lost and disconnected. I feel hidden from who I am. And I hide who I am. I listen to others, and I watch what is happening, and I see no place for me. I say good-bye to friends at airports, and I wonder, how I got stuck in this vortex.

I am feeling triggers in my life which are slapping me to wake-up. There are coincidences and influences which remind that I am not here to stay. It is time to stop convincing myself that I want this life. They are not my voices I hear telling me, they are the voices of my parents, my friend who is a lawyer, my boss, my advertising friend. I go out at night to discover that I am not the one who is lost here, that everyone is lost, I am just the one not pretending that I know my way. Everyone is seeking happiness in their lives. Buddhism says that life is sorrow and happiness that one cannot exist without the other. It is only the judgement and repression of sorrow which can make it so horrible.

You once wrote that it is better to feel sadness than nothing at all. I told a friend you wrote that, and he thought you were being melodramatic. I saw what you wrote as true. We so often hide from our emotions, when if we just embraced them, then they would channel through us faster.

I feel.

I am currently planning my next trip. This time I am wanting to integrate my travelling into my work life. How can I combine the two? I have some ideas. I just need to implement them instead of talking about them.

I am planning on going to India. My goal is to study Yoga intensely for 3 months. Ideally, Iyengar for a month and Ashtanga for 2. We will see what happens. I would also like to study some Hindi - although a Hindu taxi driver told me a couple of weeks ago that it was absolutely impossible for me to learn Hindi. Wow, so strange how unsupportive he was. Ha haha.

Where are you? What are you doing?

This letter sounds sad... yet, I am not feeling sad, not really. What it is that I am feeling is the realization that I am leaving again soon. I am thinking. When I think it can sound sad, or feel sad.... yet, it is more like a slow awakening. It is the death of something, welcoming a new birth. It is more like a struggle within me, the struggle to stay here and create a life, and the struggle to follow my truth else where - away from here and also to create a life.

Here is a photo of me. It was taken in Tofino, a surf town about a 6 hour drive from Vancouver. It is a great place - mythical and mysterious.

I hope you are well. Let me know what you are doing.

Love,

Unity